I don't really think anyone reads this blog and I am feeling pretty down so I guess I'll just go ahead and vent- I can always delete it when I'm done. Such a nice feature of blogging.
Today is just one of those yucky days- no sleep due to a 2 year old with a bad cold and a 7 month old who thinks he needs to get up an try to eat every hour... then this year just isn't going all that well. School is just eating me up- I have never missed assignments before and this semester I have forgotten 5!!! I have been lucky and able to make some of it up but... it's still just taking up all my time. If I spend time on my school I feel guilty for neglecting my house (which turns into a disaster) and my children (who turn into whiners) or I spend time keeping up the house and kids and then I constantly worry about all the stupid school work I have to get done! Now I was thinking of dropping out (it made sense) but then Michael didn't get accepted into the counseling graduate program so my stipend is the only reliable source of income right now. We are doing financially okay but you know - one trip to the ER would wipe out our savings and you never know what is going to happen. I feel like we have exhausted our options. Michael's career goals when we got married were to either teach seminary (went to Logan, Ut - rejected) and then school counseling (applied 2 years- rejected). Both of these options 'felt' right and we thought we going down the right paths and SLAM!!! Now its .... what now? And on top of that I get so lonely here in Riverton. I feel so 'young' around the women in my ward and just alone. All my life I have wanted to find someplace I belong and where I could have friends and Logan was were I finally found it. Moving to back to Riverton was the worst move of my life. I was leaving behind friends and a community I loved. Now I have accepted our move to Riverton but I thought this would be a 'stopping' place on our way to graduate school- but again 'now what???' Having to say this to a computer makes me feel like the worlds biggest loser- 'she has to talk to a machine because she doesn't have any friends!'. Oh, well... so now I have done my rant, feel really stupid and alone but I guess that's just life. I'll post this along with all the other forgotten posts and then tomarrow delete it when I come to my senses and lie to myself again that " I was just tired and so silly" ... but deep down knowing that there is some truth here.
3 comments:
Delina wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I know that things can feel pretty bad. Seems that venting to a computer screen is helpful somedays.
I am sorry that life is throwing you a bunch of rotten lemons. Keep your chin up and know that you aren't alone. I am just a phone call away and would love to help you. I could watch the kids for a minute for you if you felt like you needed to play catch up with school. The best part is that you have the gospel in your life. Praying usually helps a lot when I feel as you are right now. Big hugs to you and I hope that your day(s) get better.
Oh, I wish I could throw my arms through the computer and give you a hug. You always were a ray of sunshine here for me. I want you to know that. I am sorry you're feeling down. I can completely relate!!! I get so frustrated sometimes thinking that all my best efforts are completely wasted and misunderstood! Where are all those blessings??? Apparantly buried under the piles of manure. I guess it makes good fertilizer and here's hoping that something amazingly beautiful grows out from underneath and that I'll still be around to see it! When we first came to Logan, it was to "finish school" which was supposed to take two years. Now I'm the one finishing school, and it looks like it will take the rest of my life! I like Logan, but I am very sad here and I keep watching everyone else move on to their exciting lives and I sit here like a leftover piece of bread getting staler by the minute. Just remember that I think you're great and no matter what you're not a failure. Each day you get up and try, you're doing great!
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