I don't really think anyone reads this blog and I am feeling pretty down so I guess I'll just go ahead and vent- I can always delete it when I'm done. Such a nice feature of blogging.
Today is just one of those yucky days- no sleep due to a 2 year old with a bad cold and a 7 month old who thinks he needs to get up an try to eat every hour... then this year just isn't going all that well. School is just eating me up- I have never missed assignments before and this semester I have forgotten 5!!! I have been lucky and able to make some of it up but... it's still just taking up all my time. If I spend time on my school I feel guilty for neglecting my house (which turns into a disaster) and my children (who turn into whiners) or I spend time keeping up the house and kids and then I constantly worry about all the stupid school work I have to get done! Now I was thinking of dropping out (it made sense) but then Michael didn't get accepted into the counseling graduate program so my stipend is the only reliable source of income right now. We are doing financially okay but you know - one trip to the ER would wipe out our savings and you never know what is going to happen. I feel like we have exhausted our options. Michael's career goals when we got married were to either teach seminary (went to Logan, Ut - rejected) and then school counseling (applied 2 years- rejected). Both of these options 'felt' right and we thought we going down the right paths and SLAM!!! Now its .... what now? And on top of that I get so lonely here in Riverton. I feel so 'young' around the women in my ward and just alone. All my life I have wanted to find someplace I belong and where I could have friends and Logan was were I finally found it. Moving to back to Riverton was the worst move of my life. I was leaving behind friends and a community I loved. Now I have accepted our move to Riverton but I thought this would be a 'stopping' place on our way to graduate school- but again 'now what???' Having to say this to a computer makes me feel like the worlds biggest loser- 'she has to talk to a machine because she doesn't have any friends!'. Oh, well... so now I have done my rant, feel really stupid and alone but I guess that's just life. I'll post this along with all the other forgotten posts and then tomarrow delete it when I come to my senses and lie to myself again that " I was just tired and so silly" ... but deep down knowing that there is some truth here.
